Pangs of loneliness...

Not trying to pull any punches- Just trying to put my two cents in.

Today, I feel like a pariah, as if I am being condemned to the perdition of my own wrong doings. No one in the vicinity to listen to my plaintive cry. At times, I explode in a paroxysm of unknown wrath- which continues for hours together. I continue to prevaricate and try my level best to parry all questions which involve the meaning of “life”. However, the people around me get disturbed by my slovenly attitude (sometimes though).

Years before if someone would ask me I’d say without giving it a second thought that “loneliness sucks.” But today, I feel as if I have become much reticent and have a propensity towards solitary confinement. I have developed a proclivity to sequester myself from all worldly matters.

Friends are a dime a dozen- but there absence is felt only when they are no longer with you anymore. For instance, Pahadi and I were like kindred spirits when it came to spending money- both of us were extravagant and shopaholic. In addition to this, both of us didn't have a girlfriend. Jokes aside for a while, there were a few common characteristics as well. Both of us valued efforts were ambitious and were extremely true to our friendship. On a lighter note, I could even say that both of us had an uncanny resemblance when it came to hobbies like watching movies, wasting time in doing practically nothing relevant (read-“time-pass”). We ‘ld spend a lot of time, being awake for the whole of nights together- literally shooting the breeze and discussing about the future. At times when the discussion led to frustration themes, we would light a cigarette, exhale a puff or two in the air and console each other by saying that “Not to worry friend, things will change and everything will soon be fine”. We knew that with those grades we never had a snowball’s chance in hell of landing on a decent job. But things did change soon (at least for him though).

Education, fame, position, money (or so called “Success” of all kinds), always begets loneliness. Inwardly, we long for mingling with others, but we dare not express it.  Thanks to the “Ego”, which makes us feel superior to others. The “I am so-and-so” factor takes us way beyond and years after, when we realize who we were and what we are now and how we changed drastically…. it’s very late to traverse back in time and make things as they were a couple of years back. Isn’t it a good piece of thought? In this long run, there are people whom we leave, there are people who leave us in the mid-way and there are others whom situation compels us to leave. No blame-games, but, is it a fair play?

There are times when it feels as if the whole life is a catastrophe. Dreams get shattered, heart gets broken, frustration reaches its zenith and a tinge of tension creeps into your spine and blesses you with pangs of loneliness. You have no clue where and you are heading to and what’s in the pipeline. You just let it go- tired of futile thinking and filling up your own sophomoric questionnaire.

Fundamentally, all of us are born alone, we struggle all through our life alone, we endure pain alone, we dream alone and ultimately we die all-alone. However, nouns like “friendship”, “marriage” and so-called “relationships” create an illusion- a mirage and make us feel as if we are not alone. At times, our mind enters into a tranquil transcendental state. The end result is that we don’t get time to contemplate or rather chose not to!!

Today, "commitment" and "friendship" have become long-lost words in the social dictionary. It may be premature to predict whether my heart will undergo a paradigm shift, but yes- it will definitely take some time to get used to their absence because like all of you, I, too am a human being. I, too have emotions- though I never reveal it. 

Readers, please do not get frustrated or infuriated by reading this piece of thought. It's just that writing is nothing but a mere extension of my soul. It is a medium which helps me ease my frustration, anger and tension (you can give it any name- that really does n't matter). Once I start writing, I listen to my heart and get carried away by my thoughts. Lets see what future has in store for me....

I Quit Smoking.

Hi Folks,

First of all, extremely sorry for the long hiatus. Wont say that I was busy in a hectic schedule and didn't have the time to write. I'ld be cheating My Self if I give any such plausible justification. I firmly believe that for things which you are passionate about--things which drive you crazy-- things after completion of which, give you a sense of satisfaction and achievement-- there is never a "Perfect Time" to get them done. They just come to you naturally, at ease. You make them happen completely oblivious of the outcome, never giving a damn care about the consequences or the aftermath. (touch-wood)

It  was for some strange-particular reason which no doubt, I am going to unfold in a short while. Its 3:20AM now. I got up pretty early than I usually do.Honestly speaking, I didn't sleep at all. Found my thoughts wondering to where I never expected them to go. Hence, pushed myself out of the bed in a nanosecond.

Switched on the lights, washed my face and was about to light a smoke. Suddenly, something happened. Something, that changed my mindset. Something that made me think. I confronted the mirror. Well, you might think it to be pretty normal. What's the big deal? This time, I examined myself thoroughly. Long, messy hair, sulky face with loads of prominent lines under my eyes, worn-out lips and full grown beard- to add it all, a ninety kg globe with a family-pack tummy. Somewhere I felt as if the boyish charm, the glaze was missing. 

I felt as if "Sutta" had robbed me of my innocence, my freshness, my spirit.As they say, "Everything comes with a price." Within the last five and half years of my precious life, I had lost my voice. I didn't sound melodious and could not even think of singing songs which involved high notes- leave aside singing in a public platform!! I could no longer do crunches and chin-ups as I used to do during the good,old adolescent days-- jogging or running is a far cry. Things have come to such a situation that I find it a Herculean task to take stairs to climb a three-story room of mine. Due to unhealthy sedentary lifestyle, binge eating and lack of exercise, I have succumbed to this despair.Now, this is the height. What next? And why the hell can't I quit it? Trust me, it is not going to be easy. But I had to do it- some day or the other.Hence, now, the right time has come. So, I am getting it done.

Finally, I take the pledge that I wont smoke- no matter whatever it takes- and this time I am damn serious about it. I had taken an oath about the fact that until I quit smoking and am confident that I wont start it all over again, I wont write anything- neither in my diary and nor in this website. So, here I am and am sure that this is where I am going to be for the times to come......

Way to go Suraj... hats off !!

Sitting in the dark, I subjected my soul to a remorseless vivisection. Changed my mind- sat at my study desk as usual after returning from office, smoking two-three fags and looking over the novels arranged on my study table. Nothing really important to do. Why not write something? Ages since I wrote something and got them published!!

The thought of one particular person reckoned my mind. It’s none other than “Mr. Suraj Pathre”. Gave it a second thought- should I or shouldn’t I? No…. I should. Let me give it a try. Describing the importance of a person in one’s life is by no means a meager task. Although we dwell within the confines of our own domain, still we are a part of the societal circuit (though hard-core intellectuals may find it a hard-time in agreeing with me. Anyways, that a different chapter, which we can discuss later on.)

It was the last Tuesday of October. We guys were pretty new to this organization (in which I work now and prefer not to name it). Our trainer had some important work to be done, so, had arranged for a co-trainer to have some coaching done for us.

Knock, knock! Entered our hero. Donned in a maroon full-sleeves kurta, denim-blue jeans and matching white casual sports- shoes, he looked different. Very different indeed! The spectacles he had worn made him look serious (err—studious). He had a natural smile on his face which added to his charisma.

Seated at a far corner of the “Pisces” training room, I was damn sleepy and tired to the hilt- and didn't have much incentive for training whatsoever. I was just about to yawn, when he threw the knock-out punch. He divided the entire group into two and initiated a game. Folks! I kid you not; he had a cart-load of energy. I wondered if he had darted right into a truck of Red Bull just before coming to the class. 

One didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that Suraj was a well mannered, (naive and tender-hearted) down-to-earth, helpful chap. His decency, his attire, his genuine, natural smile spoke volumes of his persona. He was, indeed, a lad of cheerful disposition; sober, discreet and humble beyond his age- qualities which gained him the love and reverence of everyone who knew him.

 Days passed in a jiffy. In due course of time, I came to know him a bit-more. Born with an uncanny habit of tinkering with the settings of the computer (read- "computer freak") he was by all means, an unusual person with a great mind and full understanding of all issues. Never did he yearn for acclaim, but still managed to get the praises of every employee of our organization. He dreamt big (though didn't confess it openly) - his aspiration knew no boundaries and to add it all- he was patient enough to work towards realizing them. In a selfish world where people are sloppy, sly and don’t keep their words, Suraj stood out far away from the crowd. He was there to lend you a helping hand- no matter whatever it took. He seemed to me like the quintessential team-player, the backbone of our department, one who did his job sans any fuss, season after season. Unlike many of his peers, he did not have any template to follow- no one told him what to do or how things work in this industry. He started from scratch.

Few days later, after our usual shifts were over, I was having my quota of tea and sutta at the office premises. It was about 1:40 AM. A dark, grey Monday night- Bangalore winter asserting itself with a ferocity not seen in years. Even the hawker’s cry of piping hot tea was failing to chase the chill away. Few yards from me, I saw Suraj approaching towards me. He had a mischievous grin on his face, which I had never noticed before. He came, sat next to me and said- “Dude! Why don’t you stop smoking? If this goes on, how will you get your Prerana?”

I was thunder-struck. How did he know about Prerana? The question vexed me for a while. After repeated questioning, I realized that he had gone through my blogs and to make matters worse- found them interesting. On that particular day, I got a glance of a caring persona in him- very different in today’s working environment.

Few days down the lane, we entered the working environment. I was pretty nervous. Upon seeing me, perhaps, Suraj could feel my emotions. “Chillax!”- he said. (By the way- he uses this word very often. And yes, one more thing- “here is a twist”- that’s also one of his favorite punch lines which he makes use of in almost every circumstance. Sorry, we deviated from the main topic). “You can do it- it’s no big deal- he retorted. Not to worry, I am there to help you. Just be confident.” 

That was an end to my fear. Somehow, I felt as if my nervousness had vanished. Was that the effect of the truth of his words that he spoke with conviction or because of some anonymous force- will always baffle me. I spent a couple of days, sitting beside him- observing him closely- his behavior, his etiquettes, and the way he handled tough situations and to be honest, tried to imbibe a fraction of those qualities. Over the conversations, Suraj and I had fostered a unique friendship- which (as of now) I believe, to some extent, will certainly stand the acid test of time.

A fulfilling future always belongs to people with strong vision and resilience. It doesn't matter where he might be now. Starting well and finishing strong is what that counts. He has a vision of a champ and can be found being drenched in sweat at the point of exhaustion when no one else is watching. Let’s hope that he achieves all that he desires in his life. And not to forget, an understanding soul mate soon. Way to go Suraj...