Window seat- Memories revisited.

No doubt- whichever school of thought you belong to, whichever genre of music you follow, whatever age you might be, whatever profession you are in---there is one phenomena that holds "true"- While you are travelling in a bus, the window seat always holds a special importance. Tired and exhausted with my monotonous life, I decided to take a break. Took a comp-off on Friday so that I had three days of leave with me. Perhaps, thought that this three day gap will rejuvenate my drooping spirits and I could free myself from the present humdrum. Not even giving it a second thought, I decided to visit Mangalore- the port city of Karnataka.

As I boarded the Volvo bus, I could sense that there was a potpourri of excitement, nervousness, anticipation and fear. It was altogether a medley of several feelings and to give a bit of my mind, I 'ld say that even I wasn't sure what it actually was. As soon as the bus left Majestic Bus Terminus and touched the Tumkur Road, I could feel a churning in my stomach. A sense of dizziness overpowered me, and within a nanosecond- a plethora of stuffs flooded my brain. Took a few sips of water and then, without even wasting any time, decided to sleep. But, it seemed as if sleep had turned its back towards me. After a few futile attempts, I decided not to go for sleep. Pulled off the curtains, and looked through the window to divert my mind. The constant traffic on the roads, the so-called fast life of the city, the big apartments, the tea-stalls... everything I saw on the road, made me feel nostalgic. A few minutes passed in a jiffy and soon I was engrossed in a plethora of thoughts.

My evergreen, effervescent school days sans any tensions or bitter feelings for anyone, the naughtiness in me that was within me (back then), my close friends, the petty quarrels over something absolutely unimportant, my board exams, the creeping tension over my spine before the results were announced, the choice of opting for science, my first day in college, bunking classes, eat-outs at the college canteen and roadside tthellas, my first crush, the clandestine meetings (read- "rendezvous"), the tension gradually building in my mind to have a successful academic career, losing my dearest mom, landing on a professional college, indulging in ragging, tasting beer and sutta for the first time, meeting people (making friends) from different parts of India, learning a new language, exploring Bangalore, visiting PVR and INOX for the first time, getting backlogs in semester exams, participating in college-level competitions, the fire within to impress girls and getting a girl-friend ( be the face of the college), arguments with my friends at times, settling down disputes, the frequent night-outs during exams consuming limitless quantity of caffeine and cigarettes, placements, passing off, losing friends, landing on a job, meeting new people, learning and getting used to so-called "corporate fundas".... everything passed my head and somehow, I wasn't feeling comfortable. God!! I cried- I was in a dire need of a peaceful sleep; I had already said that sleep had probably turned its back towards me.

Glanced at my watch. It was a little past midnight and I could literally feel the hunger pangs. "Jesus! its been three hours since I have been in the bus"- I thought to myself.. How fast did the time go? I felt as if few minutes prior I was looking outside the window, and now, its almost three hours, I've been lost in my thoughts. ( Believe me, I felt as if someone did some kind of black magic on me). Soon, I was interrupted from my thoughts, when the bus came to a screeching halt at Hassan.

Few minutes later, as the bus gained momentum, once again, I was lost in my thoughts.Nay! this time, it was n't about my past actions but.... finding answers to a hoard of questions. It was like some hard core intellectuals call it as "introspection" and "retrospection". Why did I succumb to injuries and heart-breaking tumults of life- what made me realize the unrealistic melodrama of solitary confinement? Why could n't I confess my feelings? Why did I let my ego overpower me? Why did I fret over trivial issues with my near and dear ones? What made me so adamant at times? Why couldn't I accept defeat (read- "failure")? What was it lacking for which I couldn't be happy? Was n't I capable enough to be accepted- to be loved? Why was so much of treachery? Why so many cynical people around? Why was I unable to wear that smile on my face, which was once upon a time a mere habit of mine? ..... Endless list of questions struck my head till I got infuriated.


Perhaps, the window had got tired of me- answering to my quest of questions! Not knowing what to do and not getting any satisfactory answers, I closed my eyes for a few minutes, hoping to get rid of these awful situation. But, Uncle Fate was in no mood to accept defeat. Took a few deep breaths, looked outside the window, not being quite sure what exactly was I missing. 


"COMPROMISE"- came the answer. In a nanosecond, I opened my eyes. Wasn't quite sure whether I was a namby-pamby or was seriously hurt. Some philosophers call it as the "inner conscience". So, after all, I was listening to my conscience- my soul. I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth with all my might- to concentrate to the words of my soul. Whispered my conscience -" Change is the unchanged thing of this changing world. The key word is "Compromise". You need to adjust to the situations, and always need to remember that - this is nothing but a phase of life. nothing is permanent in this world. And as the time passes, situations will change. And never-ever think that all these untoward things happen only to you. It does happen to everyone around you, at one or the other stages of his/her life. So, be as you are. Its useless lamenting over the past- since it can never be changed.And one more important thing- Relations are built over years but sometimes, even the closest can fall apart because of a small misunderstanding. So, why not, in retrospect, remember the good times, get over the grudge and forgive the person we are mad at?


How very true indeed!! The conductor announced that we had reached Mangalore KSRTC Bus Terminus. Before alighting from the bus, I took one more look at my window and thanked it. Perhaps, it was simply a medium that God had chosen to make me learn very important lessons in life!! 

Sutta- yeh pyaas hai badi!!

Well then,to begin with, this particular segment is for all those chain smokers (like me). For the past couple of years, a topic called "Inflation" entered the global scenario and was quick enough to be the most-talked about topic in almost every office, every cafeteria, almost every eating joint. "Inflation is spiraling, fueling at a self-fulfilling prophecy"- this sort of headline has been lashing the headlines of daily newspapers more frequently than the monsoon showers in Cherrapunji. There has been ersatz in almost all kind of stuff- everything. Sometimes, we hear that the Indian Economy is heading downhill, sen-sex falling and stuff like that... In a nut shell, everything has become costlier, dearer, expensive. Sorry folks, I deviated from the main topic of discussion. Can't help it. I've a restless mind that hops from one topic to another until finally I become so engrossed and carried away by my thoughts.

Actually, to give a piece of mind, I'd confess that I, along with my close pals Vj and Pahadi have been the worst victims because of the present scenario. Reason- because of inflation, as every essential commodity had a price rise (read- cigarettes), we had to cut-down our sutta-intake.( which was not at all a viable alternative). To make the matters worse, we had to settle down from Classic Milds (which used to be our brand) to Goldflake Small. There were days, when three of us were absolutely broke; and so, had to compromise with Wills Flake. 

"Shameless creatures indeed"- thats what you might be thinking- isn't it?

But Sire! they may be a killer weed for you- something that results in lungs cancer, manifests in erectile-dysfunction in the long run, paves a short-cut to heart and other fatal diseases---- but, there is a big but--- personally speaking, for us, it means everything. Really, I mean it.

We regard it as our "best-friend"- because "sutta" is something that never abandons you. Whether you are pissed off at something or frustrated; at times- when you miss your near and dear ones, when you feel lonely and dejected, when you want to forget your f***ed up past, when you scold yourself a zillion times for all that destiny has done to you... or on the contrary, when you are in a very receptive mood, or may be cosily lying down and watching movies with your friends in your room... whatever. As far as the perfect timing is considered for a smoke, according to me- "Anytime" is the appropriate answer. 

In the early morning even before the crack of dawn (I guess, people working in night shifts can understand it better), or in the afternoon, or may be in the evening, or even at midnight. The best part is Sutta goes up pretty well with all types of beverages-- whether it is coffee, or tea, or sprite or even alcohol--- anything. The pleasure you derive after lighting the fag, dragging the first few puffs and exhaling some smoke in air, the immense satisfaction you get after smoking--- it's beyond the power of words to articulate. So, we conclude that our best friend sutta fits pretty well into all occasions, all seasons, all moods. (Guess what,  right now, I can't control the urge to light a fag)

Long life Sutta!! After all, it is our own life. And who the hell cares where we are going to land up tomorrow? Don't we have the liberty to live our own life the way we wish- living it king size, up to the hilt?? One day or the other, everybody is going to die. So shall we, being no exception. Then why fear death- isn't it? .....

Love,Sex and Marriage- Mirages redefined.

We are all born impostors- is not it? We all conceal our real self and warp around an attire of artificiality that seems to be sooo real. But, sometimes we ourselves get cheated by our self-imposed hypocrisy. Let us talk of love for instance- "Love at First Sight".
Prince Charming meets Cinderella. Birds sing, the nature dances, the stars twinkle, the heart pounds-- all rubbish! Pardon me for firmly denouncing the romanticism and excuse me if I hurt the feelings of any love bird.

But Sire! Can you please tell me that how can a bird sing when it has no true vocal cords as we humans have. And do you find the twittering of birds, their non-sense chirping "melodious", when you are having a headache or badly in need of good sleep after a tiresome work. Nature can never dance. Stars do not twinkle of their own- it is only due to the variation of refractive indices of the layers of atmosphere.

I do not intend to flaunt the legacy of literature nor do I have the guts to do any such formidable offence. But have we ever tried to know that why the heart pounds faster when we meet our lover/beloved?? Hmm- anyone? Is it something incoherent like "love" or just an extra rush of adrenaline to the heart and some organs of procreation-- err recreation, I guess.

Actually, the bitter truth is that- "Love fades after acceptance". Because the hallucination and delusion disappears, leaving us in a state of reality. Earn money. Make a comfortable livelihood. Build a good house. Arrange for the future of your children.
So, as of now, you may tell "that happens" and it did happen to everyone before and shall happen to everyone hereafter. But love is immortal. But forgive me Sire, to be very crude in this matter. Let us throw some light to the crux of the matter and not merely the crust. Let us go deep into this matter to understand it.

Well, the carnal desires suppressed inside the body from the time of puberty till marriage have an outburst. Some may have a spurious outburst before marriage as well. Thanks to their so-called modern thinking, changing life-style and alarming hormonal imbalances. But, I shall remain confined to "marriage" strictly. Everyday, we read in newspapers about mid-life crisis, seven-year-old-itch, extra-marital affairs, et al. Why??

Why do two love-birds suddenly grow weary of their relationship? Even at the time of intimacy, she thinks of his' some handsome dude friends and he thinks of her's some hot friends; and together, they rise to the throes of orgasm. From music videos to fTV, from pornography to movies- thanks to the censorship and
bold attitude of its models. "I've a perfect hour-glass, curvaceous figure- whats wrong in flaunting with it?"- says a model. Yes, very true indeed. Our mindset has drastically changed. We have become "modern".


Cryptic thoughts and ideas should break all boundaries and transcend above all horizons. Don't tell me that you do not enjoy an item number! Shed off your inhibitions and as they say "be cool". "Papa gets angry when I wear short skirts for college"- complains a girl. Ask papa, why is he excited by girls of your age wearing revealing outfits? This is sheer hypocrisy Sire.
Oops! sorry, for we deviated from the main topic. Yes, "love and marriage".

So, where are the love-birds now? Have they forgotten all the sonnets of love in the midst of by hearting the home-loan plans, equity, provident funds etc? And yes, Sex- of course. He puts his hand on her shoulders and says- "You have given me everything darling." (But you don't have that fire within- but he doesn't say it)
And she, like a benevolent, dutiful wife says- "I've no qualms after marrying you, all my expectations are fulfilled. (Except a bungalow, a decent bank balance and of course your strength- but she doesn't say it)


Love birds- please do not get frustrated after reading this stuff, but if you have some time, then, please (yes- you heard it right), please "think" before you enter into a relationship. No doubt, freshly cooked food is delicious. Refrigeration prevents the formation of bacteria and fermentation. The only thing is that it makes the food cold. So, do not eat the food right now. Ignite the stove, reheat the food and enjoy it. Lets hope that you have a great dinner.......

Three cheers to Love

"Love"- thou mighty object of fascination- you fit well in all apparels, all cultures, all age-groups. Lexicographers fail to define you. It takes years to understand what it actually is- whether it is a verb, or a noun, or an adjective; (please excuse my grammar). But all I mean to say is that it fits well to all dictum, all sentences, all languages.

Nay! I do not have the right to dishonor you "love"; nor do I have the guts to glorify you. I am just a mere persona out of your countless captives with servile fearfulness. You come to anyone's life without knocking, stay there like an unwanted guest. And then, you forget your manners...err, pardon me, for I have no right to speak against you.
But yeah! you forget your cosy attitude and respect towards your host. within a few days. You make him appreciate the unrealistic melodrama of life again and again. Some say, you are mean, you are cheap; but, I dare not speak against you.

How can I? I am the one who gave you my heart to dwell. You controlled my tepid emotions every now and then. You blunted my aptitude. You disintegrated my mind from my body. Under your sole influence, I oscillated between mania and depression. Oh please! do not be out with me. I have no courage to mock at you. I, myself, have become an object of mockery- and how can I?
But you- no words of gratitude in your favor; not after I have lost my golden years dreaming of the silver lining you showed me. But ten out of ten for your capability to divert one's attention. You can easily make a straight path look like a parabola, or an eclipse or something else beyond the actual geometric definition.

And thats your credibility. You fool lexicographers, you fool philosophers, you fool scientists. Only "historians" and "the self-inflicted" have the credit to acknowledge you. Historians write to warn others and fools like me take it as an inspiration.
But to your honor, I swear, whether it was a moral boost or an emotional outburst, I have failed to acknowledge you. But no grievances at all ! Why should I?
You played with me all these years. According to you, life may be short. But according to me, the time remaining is sufficient for me. I do not want to be fooled again. I hear no music in a quiet room; but yes, I hear when the music system is on. I have become very practical.
But still, three cheers to you- love.

Uncle and His question.

Tired and exhausted, I went to the palace of Uncle God for some refreshment- and yes, some amusement of course. Uncle was scantily clad in old ragged clothes but was having a mischievous grin on His face. 

' So son! Enjoyed your life?'- he asked.

" Uncle, I wonder, You are so rich, still happen to lead a modest life of a pauper. If you do not misunderstand me, can I repeat the same question to You?"

 'Son, you are here only to answer. Did you enjoy or your life? Did you live it to the fullest?'

"Uncle, to be open enough, I started my life pretty well. No worries, no tension. My parents were there to serve me. I felt like a king. I got everything whatever word came from my mouth. From chocolates to dresses- everything was made available to me. Slowly, with the gradual passage of time, my parents raised their brows on my demands. No doubt, my demand had considerably increased. I was no longer fascinated by mere chocolates and little toys."

'So son, you ought to have been reasonable with your demands?'

"Yes Uncle, at that moment, I thought I was reasonable enough. They reluctantly agreed to my demands. But the happiness they felt while giving me a chocolate slowly faded away. Sometimes, they got annoyed with me. Each time they fulfilled my demands, they had some kind of EXPECTATION from me. Time passed by. I had my own family. I took the role of my parents. I had to satisfy my son's demands. After years of journey, I have come upon this stage, when I see and ask myself- ' What have I got?' "

'Oh son, you are too old to ask this question.'

"But Uncle, you are older than me!"

'No son. How can I be? Do you think that man gets older with time? In my opinion, a man gets older if he is attached to time. He enjoys what he gets from others He gives others what he himself gets. So, he enters a whirlpool a life- or in other words- a vicious circle.'

' Look at me son. I had all the riches, but I never enjoyed them. I had no family of my own, yet, made a large family. My relationship was not based on give and take. Now look at yourself son- you look older and tired, while I am still young and energetic.'

"Uncle, do you think I lived my life up to the hilt?"

'Son, it is up to you to decide, because you had only one chance.'

Minutes after death

No qualms. No throes of passion. No bitterness. No sweetness either. No chaos. No hue and cry. I feel as if I am non-existent. I feel light. I ascend up and reach the upper strata. Then suddenly, I give a glance at my body. Yes, my body, which has carried me for twenty-six long years withstanding all weathers, all seasons. Here, it lies on the smooth grassy bed by the side of the road. A patch of blood spilled. I look at this body of "mine".

Oh my God! Again "mine".
Which body? The one that is to be taken to the crematorium in the morning to be given a high voltage electric current? Nothing remains thereafter- neither the body nor the bodily wants; leave aside the animal instinct.

To survive, yes- to survive by all means, was the prime motto of my body. Now, all of a sudden, I had to leave it after facing an accident. I loved my body. I adored it. Sometimes, I hated it though. But somehow or the other, I remained attached to it.

My family, my friends, my foes, my batch mates, my sweet heart--- will have their turn for mourning my untimely death. Some may mourn for a year, some for a month or two, some for a day; while some may find a discussion topic on the coffee table. There may be a few, who would be rather "smart" enough to exclaim with a shy - "Oh Jesus! Romi is dead! and then get back to their usual work.
So, all those dwelling will have a motto-"Survival".
(Along with "survival" comes other instincts as well)

Then, who can I call "mine"? What possessions have I got now? Okay! my weight is decreasing a lot. I am going up and can see my body lying there. But now, it looks cold, disfigured and innocent. But can not help it- I have to go.....

Fear of rejection

Lights! Action! Camera! Set audio! Action-----
God commanded- setting a stage of life. I, being a new comer with no no first hand experience was pretty nervous. My make-up was too prudish.


Easy past: Though I was nervous, I dare not show it. There was something in me which said that everything was going to be fine. The play proceeded. I delivered my dialogs very well. The play gathered momentum. Scenes led to further scenes and it was the end of Act-I. 
The first act is always easy for all; especially new-comers like me. Even if we do not perform well on screen, we are not criticized. We have the experienced actors beside us who take the control of everything. We are just mere stuffs to make the play look complete. Our dialogs are either monosyllables, bi syllables or sometimes may be a sentence or two. 


Tough present: The second act is going to start. I have many scenes to perform. The success of the movie depends upon me. How am I going to perform? Are the audience going to like my acting? These kind of questions haunt me. Vexed I am of passions of difference. Swept I am by the lines. The director looks at me with great hope- may be I could make it a prodigal delight.
Can I live up to his expectation? I do not know. I am still blowing hot and cold about it.
Oops the scene! My make is drenched in sweat. I remember, how in the scene, I was so confident though I did not get enough chance to prove my histrionics. But now, the situation is entirely different. I have got an important role to perform- and yes, no more experienced actors by my side. I have to act in a confident and experienced way.
Lets see what is going to happen. Until then, can keep our fingers crossed!