Pangs of loneliness...

Not trying to pull any punches- Just trying to put my two cents in.

Today, I feel like a pariah, as if I am being condemned to the perdition of my own wrong doings. No one in the vicinity to listen to my plaintive cry. At times, I explode in a paroxysm of unknown wrath- which continues for hours together. I continue to prevaricate and try my level best to parry all questions which involve the meaning of “life”. However, the people around me get disturbed by my slovenly attitude (sometimes though).

Years before if someone would ask me I’d say without giving it a second thought that “loneliness sucks.” But today, I feel as if I have become much reticent and have a propensity towards solitary confinement. I have developed a proclivity to sequester myself from all worldly matters.

Friends are a dime a dozen- but there absence is felt only when they are no longer with you anymore. For instance, Pahadi and I were like kindred spirits when it came to spending money- both of us were extravagant and shopaholic. In addition to this, both of us didn't have a girlfriend. Jokes aside for a while, there were a few common characteristics as well. Both of us valued efforts were ambitious and were extremely true to our friendship. On a lighter note, I could even say that both of us had an uncanny resemblance when it came to hobbies like watching movies, wasting time in doing practically nothing relevant (read-“time-pass”). We ‘ld spend a lot of time, being awake for the whole of nights together- literally shooting the breeze and discussing about the future. At times when the discussion led to frustration themes, we would light a cigarette, exhale a puff or two in the air and console each other by saying that “Not to worry friend, things will change and everything will soon be fine”. We knew that with those grades we never had a snowball’s chance in hell of landing on a decent job. But things did change soon (at least for him though).

Education, fame, position, money (or so called “Success” of all kinds), always begets loneliness. Inwardly, we long for mingling with others, but we dare not express it.  Thanks to the “Ego”, which makes us feel superior to others. The “I am so-and-so” factor takes us way beyond and years after, when we realize who we were and what we are now and how we changed drastically…. it’s very late to traverse back in time and make things as they were a couple of years back. Isn’t it a good piece of thought? In this long run, there are people whom we leave, there are people who leave us in the mid-way and there are others whom situation compels us to leave. No blame-games, but, is it a fair play?

There are times when it feels as if the whole life is a catastrophe. Dreams get shattered, heart gets broken, frustration reaches its zenith and a tinge of tension creeps into your spine and blesses you with pangs of loneliness. You have no clue where and you are heading to and what’s in the pipeline. You just let it go- tired of futile thinking and filling up your own sophomoric questionnaire.

Fundamentally, all of us are born alone, we struggle all through our life alone, we endure pain alone, we dream alone and ultimately we die all-alone. However, nouns like “friendship”, “marriage” and so-called “relationships” create an illusion- a mirage and make us feel as if we are not alone. At times, our mind enters into a tranquil transcendental state. The end result is that we don’t get time to contemplate or rather chose not to!!

Today, "commitment" and "friendship" have become long-lost words in the social dictionary. It may be premature to predict whether my heart will undergo a paradigm shift, but yes- it will definitely take some time to get used to their absence because like all of you, I, too am a human being. I, too have emotions- though I never reveal it. 

Readers, please do not get frustrated or infuriated by reading this piece of thought. It's just that writing is nothing but a mere extension of my soul. It is a medium which helps me ease my frustration, anger and tension (you can give it any name- that really does n't matter). Once I start writing, I listen to my heart and get carried away by my thoughts. Lets see what future has in store for me....